I LOVE GOSSIP GIRL! oh man i just watched the latest episode and it rocked! I LOVE BLAIR! and i love it when she's starting stuff. i can't wait to see how the new teacher gets it.

but what about chuck? when is he going to get it together and try to win our queen back? i know what he needs. what he needs is some competition.

stupid chuck.

how come people never notice what they have until it's not theirs anymore?

sometimes the world seems to have more confidence in you than you have in yourself.
how sad is that?
why do we always have to put ourselves down?
why do you believe that you're pathetic when i don't see it at all?
i mean it's understandable to be down once in a while. but to have such low self esteem...
i just don't understand where it comes from.

you know. no matter how cautious you are. life always has this uncanny ability of hitting you when you least expect it.
no matter how many times you think to yourself. not again. i will never let this happen again. it does.
i've had my share of accidents in aldrich park. just this year really. escaping collision countless amounts of time. and even though i remember to check for bikes every time i walk across a path. it seems like no bike ever appears unless i'm not looking.
you can't be cautious all the time.
one slip and bam. life hits you hard.

today when i was in sanfrancisco with mabel we came across this dog. standing alone in a corner. leash attached to a gate.
barking out to the world in anger.
an angry and vicious dog he was.
or so people thought. the way they were avoiding him.

but mabel and i knew better.

he was no monster.

he was just a scared little soul with his tail between his legs. lonely and afraid.

so we came a little closer and called out to him.

that was all it took for him to settle down and come sit next to us.

that was all it took for him to stop yelling out for help.

he didn't need love. he didn't need touch.
he just needed acknowledgement that yes he does exist. and no he's not alone.

sometimes that's all it takes.
all it takes is someone who will understand and sit beside you.

if only people weren't so quick to take the easy way out and turn the other cheek.

how cold the world is. even for those who have fur coats.

i've always disregarded the fray as a group that is overrated.

i never understood all the hype over them.
sure the music is nice. and the words catchy. but that's all they have. catchy lyrics and a nice tune. although they've had a couple good songs. their first two singles.
they don't have any new material.
they come out with new songs. but they all sound the same.
i don't think anyone realized this until their new single dropped. it became popular with the radio stations.
of course. the fray is popular. their music will be played.

but who's listening? who actually cares what they say as long as it's the fray? 
i sure don't.

and then there i was sitting on my bed. falling asleep. bored with my life. when a woman's voice comes up. telling you how to raise your children. how you have to make them work for what they have.

"you are doing him a disservice by allowing him to have his privileges"

and then the first line of the song starts.

"i do it on a whim. rhyme without reason. whatever comes to mind. i pull it from thin air. i've learned to improvise to fill my time. i don't want to live this life. no i don't want to live this life. without reason."

it's good. it's good. the fray. they've caught my attention.
there they use that ability that words always have. they make me think.

he says he doesn't want to live without a reason.

but he does.

has he found his reason? or is he living without his reason?

what is your reason?

what is my reason?

i have no reason right now. i don't have a reason. my life goes forward without a clear destination. without a distinctive motivation.
nothing other than the fact that i want to live. i want to live my life to the fullest. i want to become the best person i can be.

but what is the "best" person one can be?

"best" it's such an abstract idea.
like "happy". and "accomplished". what do all these thing mean? to live your life to it's fullest?

right now. as a college student. the future is simple. it's so close.
you want to graduate on top. the best and brightest of your class.
and then you want to go out into the big bad world. and take over. you want to tear and rip your way to the top. to be recognized.
and of course you want to make lots and lots of money.
you want to lead a comfortable life.

but is that what you're really after in life?
when i'm taking my last breath. is that what i want to measure the worth of my life?
no. those are just the things that in my small little world. i believe. i believe will lead to a good life.
but status and money is not what i would use measure a life worth living.
if anything. it would be happiness.
is that not what we all want?

deep down what anyone really wants is happiness.

we work hard. we suffer. we do all these things. and for what?
because in the end we believe. we truly believe that.
we believe that wealth and status will lead to happiness.
a little misguided it seems. but who knows if it will actually work or not unless you try?

living for yourself eh? seems kind of selfish and greedy when there are some who would say that others are their reason for living.
but is it really?
is it really selfish to live for yourself?

i think it's sad. i think it's rather sad to live your life for another. like your life was worthless in comparison to theirs. or your cause.
or whatever your motivation is.

today i read this manga and the main character said she didn't want to die. she didn't want to die because she was scared. she has no other reason. you don't find your reason. she said. until you have children. parents are amazing people. people who would die for their kids.
who live for their children.

parents are amazing people. mothers. fathers.
but i don't remember a time when i didn't feel sorry for them.
sorry that they live their lives for their kids.
people who don't know how to appreciate.
who don't know that what they receive effortlessly. is impossible to receive with effort.
no matter how much we work for it. no matter how much we try. we will never. ever. gain that love from anyone.
no one will ever love you in the blind. crazed way. that parents love their children.
and i feel sorry for them. that they would give such a precious gift only to have it trampled on time after time.

and i can't help but think they'd be happier if they took away a little bit of that love and gave it to themselves.
do things for themselves. act selfishly once in a while.
who says you can't be selfish and still love? is love not in itself a little selfish?

but if i'm wrong and children are the reason we live our lives. this extension of one's self. then i think i will live myself without reason.
i've never liked children.
i believe they're precious. a miricle. this life that came from two tiny little cells.

but i have never liked them.

they look up at me and expect me to give them all of my love just for being alive.
something i'm not willing to give so freely.
but it's not their fault.
they're used to it.
the world gives children love. they grow up receiveing love from all corners.
but they'll eventually learn that love doesn't come for free.

i'm too selfish to become a mother.

so what will be my reason to live?

who knows?

who says you need a reason to live your life?

if you don't have a reason will you not live?

no. you will continue to live.

and if you need a reason to live your life.

why don't you live it for your parents?

i think if anybody.

they deserve to be the reason you live your life.

afterall. you are their reason.

dbsk has only been back in the mother country for about 4 months. and now they have to go back to japan.
i know what cassiopeia is thinking. they're thinking this is unfair.
i know what dbsk is thinking. they're thinking this is unfair.
i think so too.

why is it that they have to be number one in korea and japan?
isn't it enough to be number one in their own country and recognized as great artists in others?

i know that sm is trying to make dbsk known to the world as the best. and of course he's trying to milk as much out of the boys while he can.
and although it's working.
sm is getting rich. and dbsk is getting the recognition they've always deserved.
i can't help but wonder if this is really worth it.

the boys put on their happy faces in japan. they smile. they perform. they fanservice. they do their duties.
but i know. i know they're unhappy.

you can tell. you can tell that they are at ease in korea. they're at their happiest when they're with cassiopeia.
sure they love bigeast too. a fan is a fan. and love is love.

but cassiopeia is their first love. their last love. cassie has been with them since their debut. no matter where they went. even when big east wasn't there. cassiopeia was their support in japan. when they felt desperate and alone.

i've always been afraid that cassie would forget them. that they would become something that belongs to yesterday in korea.
i didn't realize that they felt the same.
and knowing that they felt they were losing cassiopeia's love while gaining bigeast's breaks my heart.

but now... after their magnificent comeback. and as they leave for japan once again. i wonder why i belittled cassie's love so much. why did i have so little faith in them?
if my love for dbsk can follow them wherever they go. if i can love them no matter the language they sing in.
whether they're 동방신기 or トホシンキ.
what makes it so differnt for cassie or bigeast.
i feel ashamed of myself for belittling another's love.

so once again dbsk is leaving korea. worried that cassiopeia will forget about them.
lose that love for them as the clock ticks and time flies by.

but they have nothing to worry about.
because the people who truely love them will always love them.
and those who's fivolous feelings can fade so easily... well... do you really need them afterall?

i only wish they'd realize this. because i know their hearts are breaking with this goodbye.


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>JAEJOONG

저희가 무슨생각을 하고있는지...  다 똑같이 생각 하시는 거 같아요.
저희는 저희입장만 생각하고 있는데,
뭐, 우리가 일본가서 우리가 보고 싶었고 우리가 기다리게 하는거고 그러니까 우리가 미안한거고.
우리마음을 반대로.. 보내서 미안하고, 기다리지 못해서 미안하고, 잊을까봐 힘들어하고.
저희도 그랬지만, 저희도 잊혀질까봐 많이 고민했었는데..

없으면 아마.. 못할거같아요.
계속 기다려주실거죠?
이런말까지 하면 안되지만, 미친듯이 기다려주세요.
그리고 이제 계속 정말정말 열심히 할거고, 이제 5년됬잖아요.
활동끝날려면 20년은 남은것 같구요, 계속 기다려주실거죠?

I think you all know what we're thinking... I think we're thinking the same.
We're only thinking from our poing to perspective, like, you miss us because we went to Japan, we're sorry because we made you wait.
But if we think differently (opposite).. apologetic because you sent us, apologetic because you can't wait for us, worried that we'll be forgotten.
Although we were like that too, we were really worried about being forgotten.

If it wasn't for you (if you had forgotten us).. I don't think we would have been able to do it.
Will you keep waiting for us?
I know I shouldn't really say this but, please crazily wait for us/ wait for us like crazy.
And we're really going to try our very very very best from now, it's five years now.
I think there's at least another 20 years left before we're finished. You will wait for us, right?



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>YOOCHUN*

일본에서 아무래도 바쁘다 보니까 소식을 인터넷으로 접할 때가 많이있어요.
지금도 그래요, 멤버들이 워낙 긍정적이니까 인터넷 상의 글들을 신경 안쓰려고 하는데
그게 1년넘어가고.. 계속 그렇게 봐오니까
진짜 한물갔나...? 이런느낌..

그, 쇼케이스를 하는데 너무 떨려서 못 올라가겠더라구요.
이게 한순간에 만들어질수 있는게 아니구나, 하는 생각이 들었어요.
그래서 고맙고, 앞으로 더 열심히 하고싶고.
이제 5년이니까, 앞으로도 더 고생해서 여러분과 좋은 길을 잘 닦으면서 걸어가고 싶어요. 감사합니다.

Since we're so busy in Japan we catch up on things through the internet. And there are a lot of cases where we find stuff out through the internet.
It's still like this, we're all very positive so we try and not to pay attention to the comments people write and stuff, but then a year passes.. and people keep looking at us in such a way that makes me feel.. "Are we really a thing of yesterday ..?"

When we had our showcase, I was so nervous, I couldn't get up on the stage.
I thought to myself, "This is not something that gets created in a blink of an eye."
That's why we're thankful, that's why we want to do better in the future. It's not five years, so let's work together and pave a nice road. I would like to walk that road with you. Thank you.

*다이@dnbn says that he cried while he said this, especially the part where he seriously wondered if they were a thing of the past.



>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>JAEJOONG
JAEJOONG

서로 느끼고 있었던것, 많은분들이 동방신기는 이럴거다 라고 했던거 저희가 이럽니다 라고 이야기 했던 것보다
정말 10배 100배 많이 걱정했고, 그것때문에라도 기다리고 있는 여러분들 때문에라도 더욱 더 열심히 하자,
그리고 이렇게 좋아해주고 기다려주는데 어디가서 우리를..
우리는 카시오페아 때문에 욕먹는 일은 없었거든요?
그런데 카시오페아는 우리때문에 욕먹는게 저는 정말 싫었어요.

정말로 너무나 싫었고, 그래서 일본에서 정말 죽자고자 열심히 했었던 것 같아요.
그리고 만약에 누군가가 저한테 니 손으로 마음대로 할수있는 무언가를 주겠다고 한다면
여러분은 이자리에서 계속 기다린다고 하는데, 저는 기다리게 하는게 싫어요.
어디에서든 좋은 성과 나타내서, 그 성과를 여러분들에게 다시 되돌려드리는게 저희들의 가장 큰 일이라고 생각하고
솔직히 자기가 좋아하는 가수가 누구한테는 "아, 너 그가수 좋아해? 쪽팔려." 이런 이야기 들으면 슬퍼지는데..
그래서 저희 정말 열심히 할거고, 앞으로 더 열심히 할수있게 계속 도와주실거죠?
계속 기다려주세요, 믿고 정말 열심히 하겠습니다.

What we felt was that, lots of people say DBSK are gonna be like this, we say we're like that. But we were 10 times, 100 times more worried and we wanted to work harder for you who were waiting for us.
You love us and support us this much, wherever you go we ...
We were never sworn at because of Cassiopeia, right?
But we hated the fact that Cassiopeia were sworn at because of us.

I really really hated it, so that's why we worked with a set mind of "It's die or live" in Japan.
If someone said to me, I'll give you a something that will make you do what your heart desire, then I would take away the waiting part; I hate how you wait and how we make you wait.
I think that, wherever we go, reaping a good report/result and returning it to you is the best thing we can do.
To tell the truth when someone goes to you, "Omg, you like that artist? What an embarrasment," about your favorite artist, you become sad.
So in order for you not to hear that, we're going to work harder. You will help us to work harder right?
Please continue waiting for us. We'll trust you and work even harder.

thanks </a></b></a>charixiahma for the translations

i just finished watching the curious case of benjamin button and i have to say it's a good movie.

not because of the original plot. or the amazing acting.
there was none of that.
if you're looking for this type of movie... i suggest 7 pounds. will smith is amazing.

in fact... if it weren't for the main character growing younger as the years past. it'd be the same as every other romantic drama i've watched. the notebook. other stuff...

but brad pitt does get younger throughout his life. how is that possible? i thought the same thing myself. but they actually did it. they created an old baby. even uglier than real newborns.

well that's not really the point.
the thing that makes this movie anything memorable. is that it actually makes you think.

it makes you think about your life and actually makes you appreciate it. your youth. your old age...
no matter what stage of life you're at. this movie will make you appreciate it.

a lot of movies attempt to do that. they attempt to make you think. get you scared that you're wasting your life away. and before you know it. you're going to die. and your life has slipped through your fingers.
you've lost your chance.

old people have always said that life is wasted on the youth. while young people have always thought that wealth is wasted on the old.
but this movie makes you think that life is not only wasted by the young. but also by the old.
because it shows that no matter your age. no matter your ideas of the possible. and the impossible.
you can still live.

it seems that no matter your age. you always look back on your life and think  you've wasted your chances. you always think that the world of opportunities was more open then. one year ago. two years ago. a decade ago.

i look back on my past and wish i had lived a more carefree childhood. perhaps then i would be happier.

someone somewhere is looking back at their college days wishing they had been more carefree. perhaps then they would've been happier.

but what makes it easier to do the things we want to do in the past? why was it easier then than it is now?
we like to think that there were less fences and more open fields then. but we forget that the barriers may have been different. and the land may have change a little or a lot through the years.... but the options are still the same.

no matter where we are in life. the option is always there. to change. to change your scene. to change your life. to go where ever the wind takes you.

but why is it that every thing seems so much easier to accomplish in our past lives?
maybe because we're scared.
we're scared to change the present. so we make all these excuses.
we yearn for a different past.

but all it takes. all it takes is one step forward. and our whole world will change. today will after all eventually become the past.

all this time i thought i was so much freer in the past. but maybe it's because i've forgotten what the past feels like. i've forgotten all the burdens of my past lives.

but now i know that the older you get the freer you become.
when you're young you have all these restrictions. all these rules. all these different voices. your parents. your teachers. your friends.
holding you back. tying you to the ground.

but when you're old who is there to tell you how to live your life? no one. no one is there to steer you. no one is there to stop you. no one is there to help you when you struggle.
you only have yourself to depend on.
you only have yourself to hold you back.

all this time i've been so scared to grow old.
i don't want to become a wrinkly old lady.
i feel like the older you get the less you live.

all the doors are open to them.
but life is wasted by the old.

if you haven't watched the movie i suggest you go.
will smith was amazing.
the ending. though expected. comes as a surprise.
it's something that doesn't usually happen to a main character.
especially when he's a good person.
or maybe it only came as a surprise because i didn't want what was coming to come.

it's been a while since i've watched a movie this good...
maybe because my friends only want to watch comedies and super heroes.
not that i mind of course. i love both.
but it's the dramas that move you. that make you think. that makes your heart pound.

it's been a while since i've watched a movie this good. but this is the first time a soundtrack has ever caught my attention so completely.
i don't know why. usually when i'm watching a movie. i'm completely engrossed and the music is just something in the background.
but tonight i heard those songs.
i pulled back from the movie and thought. that's a good song.
and then i analyzed the music.
funny right?
i can't remember the last time i analyzed something.
and i can't remember ever analyzing anything other than a book.
and people say television makes you stupid.
fools.
analyzing WHILE watching the movie. aren't you guys proud?

surprisingly enough. the song that caught my attention the most was the piano piece.
it was a simple tune. with the same notes repeated over and over again. and although it was nice..
there was one note that was played off tune.
and i couldn't help but think. that one note made the song perfect.
the imperfection made the song.
that one note revealed all of the tiny cracks in ben thomas. all of the things that weren't quite right about him.
this beautiful man. intelligent. rich.
he could be perfect.
he could be a happy little piano piece.
but one note turns this tune into something eery. and wrong.

it's obvious that ben thomas is a broken man.
but you don't know how twisted he actually is until the very end.

OH YES!
AND MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

XOXO,
anna

i want to know what it's like on the inside of love.

nice line eh?

i've always been so jealous of musicians.

they have it. they have the ability to take exactly what you feel and put it into a single line.

they make you stop all you do and pause for a second just to listen in awe to what they have to say.

they have the ability to actually make you think in all the hustle and bustle of life.

they're able to overcome the gray background noise.

i think that's what makes a song really memorable. the words that touch your heart.

no one agrees with me though.

every one i know would rather listen to a good beat than a good line.
or so they say.

i don't think so.

a good beat will make you want to dance.
but a good line will cling on to you way after the song has ended.

i've been going back to english music recently.
i've realized that the music i can understand isn't that bad after all. i've always been addicted to what korean songs have to say. i always thought they lyrics were so wonderful. they are. but because i don't understand. it will never be able to make me pause. i'll remember that it's a good song. but one can never remember exactly what was said in the translations right? maybe that's why the tohoshinki songs have always connected to me more. because i can actually understand the good parts. aha.

one day i want a random japanese song to stop me in my tracks. or a korean song. i'm a fickle person. i can't decide.
i want both. but sometimes you just have to choose righ?

Korean 1A final 1:10 PM TUES DEC 09,2008

So today when i was supposed to be studying for my korean final, but in actuality, lamenting about the chem final i failed yesterday and worrying about the bio final i know i'm going to fail on friday, i felt the worse sensation of fear. Fear that i may be failing my way out of college? No. if anything *gasp* averaging my way to grad school. no... fearing that come graduation, i'll never see my friends again.

That's how you know that either 1: you're crazy, or 2: you've become way too attataced. you love these people.

life would be so much easier if it was one, no?

too bad it's two.

funny how just one year ago i was terrified of moving away from my friends and family and into a strange new place with no one. but phuong.

and now the question is. where do i want to be come time to choose where i want to go to grad school?

uh anna... the one that accepts you.

all right then. i guess the real question is who's more important to you?